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This ceremony is provided courtesy of Lee Pitts
We are gathered here to unite this farmer/rancher with this woman,
who obviously has no idea what she's getting herself into. We join
these two in the bonds of holy matrimony despite the fact that they
have been living together for 10 years and should know better.
If anyone present can say why they should not be joined, let them
speak now or forever hold their peace, excluding future mothers-in-
law, ex-wives, stepchildren, parole officers, and any mother who
thinks their child is marrying far beneath them.
What kind of father gives this woman to this man knowing full well
that she will be subjected to a hard life, working her fingers to the
bone and never have enough money for even the most basic of needs?
Shame on you, sir.
Will you, (man's name) have this woman as your lawful wedded wife to
love, honor and comfort (pick two out of three) as long as she
promises to carry her share of the workload around the place? Do you
promise to keep her in sickness and in health and promise to let her
drive the hay truck when she has double pneumonia and should be in
the hospital? Do you promise to let her go to a doctor occasionally
instead of being treated with cow drugs?
Do you forsake all others except, of course, your poker-playing, team-
roping bar-hopping buddies?
Do you promise to be true to her for as long as you both shall live,
or at least until the kids are grown, she's finally had all she can
take and sues you for a divorce?
Do you (woman's name) take this low-life as your lawfully wedded
husband, realizing that he is as poor as a church mouse, smells like
a sheepherder's socks, and has all the sensitivity of a rock? Do you
promise to live together in the estate of matrimony, realizing that
he has none? An estate, that is.
Will you love, honor and comfort him, run to town for parts when
asked, plug holes in fences, calve out cows in the middle of the
night, haul hay, raise several kids, do all the cooking and housework
while holding down a second job in town? If so, please say I will, so
that the bum you are marrying has witnesses that you asked for it.
Do you also promise to point out his shortcomings and tell him how to
drive? Will you keep him in sickness, realizing he acts like a little
baby even with a hangnail?
Will you forsake all others for as long as you both shall live,
including all former friends and relatives? Do you realize this will
effectively negate any social life you currently have or thought of
having in the future and severely reduce the chance of anything
exciting happening for as long as you both shall live?
Do you promise to be true to this big lug-nut? If so, please, for
gosh, sakes please, seek counseling or therapy.
(Man's name) place the cheap ring you bought on payments at the
pawnshop on the finger the bride is currently giving you and repeat
after me. "I promise to take (woman's name), as my lawfully wedded
spouse, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for
worse, but probably for worse, for richer or for poorer, for sure
poorer, to love and to cherish from this day forth." Realizing, of
course, that your family already spent far too much money on this
wedding for me to back out now.
By the authority vested in me, I now pronounce you totally unaware of
the facts of your current predicament. You may kiss, if you still
feel like it. Now, let's all go drink champagne and party like
there's no tomorrow, because for you two there won't be.
My goal is to help all couples, regardless of their religious affiliation or non-affiliation. I respect all cultures and
creeds and deliver a ceremony with dignity and respect, regardless of whether or not I share the same beliefs.
Click here for a brief explanation of my beliefs.