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This ceremony is provided courtesy of Lee Pitts

We are gathered here to unite this farmer/rancher with this woman, who obviously has no idea what she's getting herself into. We join these two in the bonds of holy matrimony despite the fact that they have been living together for 10 years and should know better.

If anyone present can say why they should not be joined, let them speak now or forever hold their peace, excluding future mothers-in- law, ex-wives, stepchildren, parole officers, and any mother who thinks their child is marrying far beneath them.

What kind of father gives this woman to this man knowing full well that she will be subjected to a hard life, working her fingers to the bone and never have enough money for even the most basic of needs? Shame on you, sir.

Will you, (man's name) have this woman as your lawful wedded wife to love, honor and comfort (pick two out of three) as long as she promises to carry her share of the workload around the place? Do you promise to keep her in sickness and in health and promise to let her drive the hay truck when she has double pneumonia and should be in the hospital? Do you promise to let her go to a doctor occasionally instead of being treated with cow drugs?

Do you forsake all others except, of course, your poker-playing, team- roping bar-hopping buddies?

Do you promise to be true to her for as long as you both shall live, or at least until the kids are grown, she's finally had all she can take and sues you for a divorce?

Do you (woman's name) take this low-life as your lawfully wedded husband, realizing that he is as poor as a church mouse, smells like a sheepherder's socks, and has all the sensitivity of a rock? Do you promise to live together in the estate of matrimony, realizing that he has none? An estate, that is.

Will you love, honor and comfort him, run to town for parts when asked, plug holes in fences, calve out cows in the middle of the night, haul hay, raise several kids, do all the cooking and housework while holding down a second job in town? If so, please say I will, so that the bum you are marrying has witnesses that you asked for it.

Do you also promise to point out his shortcomings and tell him how to drive? Will you keep him in sickness, realizing he acts like a little baby even with a hangnail?

Will you forsake all others for as long as you both shall live, including all former friends and relatives? Do you realize this will effectively negate any social life you currently have or thought of having in the future and severely reduce the chance of anything exciting happening for as long as you both shall live?

Do you promise to be true to this big lug-nut? If so, please, for gosh, sakes please, seek counseling or therapy.

(Man's name) place the cheap ring you bought on payments at the pawnshop on the finger the bride is currently giving you and repeat after me. "I promise to take (woman's name), as my lawfully wedded spouse, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, but probably for worse, for richer or for poorer, for sure poorer, to love and to cherish from this day forth." Realizing, of course, that your family already spent far too much money on this wedding for me to back out now.

By the authority vested in me, I now pronounce you totally unaware of the facts of your current predicament. You may kiss, if you still feel like it. Now, let's all go drink champagne and party like there's no tomorrow, because for you two there won't be.

My goal is to help all couples, regardless of their religious affiliation or non-affiliation. I respect all cultures and creeds and deliver a ceremony with dignity and respect, regardless of whether or not I share the same beliefs. Click here for a brief explanation of my beliefs.